My beloved came home yesterday with the news that two doctors want him to have a biopsy. A BIOPSY. They wanted him to have one almost two years ago. When I tried to get him to have it then, he told me to stop "nagging", stop trying to "bully" him. I apologized, respected his right to decide for himself and said nothing more.
Now, he has TWO doctors wanting a biopsy on something I let go almost two years ago. I LET IT GO. I, deep breath, let it go. If he dies, it's my fault. I'm goddamned tired of losing people I love and TRULY goddamned tired of bad things being MY fault. I'm done. I can't do anymore of this, I can't.
Call me a bully. Call me a bitch. Call me a nag. Call me whatever the hell you want. I don't care. I'm sorry I EVER let anyone else's opinion influence who I am and what I do and how I am with the ones I love. Not gonna let it happen again, you can bet on that. I AM, I am a bully, a bitch, a nag, a pain in the ass.....................it's all true. But I am because I love and I care and I'm tired, so tired of losing in life. Sue me, can't get blood from a stone.
I will NOT lose my beloved. I don't care what the doctors say. I cannot, will not...............nope. I ...........................won't. I should have been stronger in 2015, I should have been...............better. I will NOT make that mistake again. Bet on that.