THIS Is Why I am a Bully

My beloved came home yesterday with the news that two doctors want him to have a biopsy.  A BIOPSY.  They wanted him to have one almost two years ago.  When I tried to get him to have it then, he told me to stop "nagging", stop trying to "bully" him.  I apologized, respected his right to decide for himself and said nothing more. 

Now, he has TWO doctors wanting a biopsy on something I let go almost two years ago.  I LET IT GO.  I, deep breath, let it go.  If he dies, it's my fault.  I'm goddamned tired of losing people I love and TRULY goddamned tired of bad things being MY fault.  I'm done.  I can't do anymore of this, I can't.

Call me a bully.  Call me a bitch.  Call me a nag.  Call me whatever the hell you want.  I don't care.  I'm sorry I EVER let anyone else's opinion influence who I am and what I do and how I am with the ones I love.  Not gonna let it happen again, you can bet on that.  I AM, I am a bully, a bitch, a nag, a pain in the ass.....................it's all true.  But I am because I love and I care and I'm tired, so tired of losing in life.  Sue me, can't get blood from a stone. 

I will NOT lose my beloved.  I don't care what the doctors say.  I cannot, will not...............nope.  I ...........................won't.  I should have been stronger in 2015, I should have been...............better.  I will NOT make that mistake again.  Bet on that.

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Comments (21)

  1. Bettymom

    Letting a grown man make his own decision wasn’t a mistake. He was wrong for not doing anything about it at the time! He’s going to be all right and so are you. You go right ahead and bully people anyway – that’s just your style and most of us wouldn’t want you any other way.

    April 06, 2017
    1. GoldenPig2012

      Ha! chuckle…………….you are, oh, ha ha haha……..in the minority about that concerning how I am, but I LOVE ya for it.

      April 07, 2017
  2. shadowstarz

    Oft, many people come to realise that the time spent procastinating was usually the difference between life and death. Its not your fault he doesn’t take responsibility for himself.
    .
    I feel sorry for the little boy you share ! How sad it’ll be for him to potentially grow up without his father during his most challenging years as a young man.

    April 06, 2017
    1. GoldenPig2012

      See!!! You SEE!!! That is exactly what I’m thinking! I don’t want lose him, but I’m grown and I’ve lost many and I’d hate it but……………..our little man………….OH, he NEEDS and DESERVES a daddy. The man is an excellent father, I cannot STAND the thought that our son wouldn’t have him because I didn’t DO something, even if it’s hard and hateful, just DO something.

      April 07, 2017
  3. formerlyme

    My Dear Golden, this is just a biopsy, not a death sentence. It could turn out to be something completely benign, or something easily treatable. Your husband’s decision against a biopsy a few years ago was his choice and his responsibility. It was good that you tried to persuade him to follow through then, but any negative outcome from it is in no way your fault. We cannot control other adults, even when it might be in their best interests. Please maintain a hopeful attitude and don’t torture yourself with ‘awfulizing’. I’m not inclined to pray, but I send best wishes and hopes that this will turn out to be nothing serious. Please keep us informed.

    April 06, 2017
    1. noahbody

      I agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Hell, couldn’t have said it this well.

      April 07, 2017
    2. GoldenPig2012

      formerlyme……………….I know you’re right. I also can’t help thinking that it COULD be something awful and if I’d just been more assertive…………..sigh.

      Moms tend to picture the worst case scenario, we do…………….our love is awesome, but…..chuckle………..it’s also torture. I can’t control him, I don’t WANT to control him, well, in this case, I do, not gonna lie. I do. Because I don’t, can’t imagine my life without him. eye roll………………..asshole.

      Thanks for your hopes and wishes. I’m scared as hell, but……………I’m a worrier because the worst HAS happened in my life, it exists. If he doesn’t give in and get the test, I’m gonna kill him.

      April 07, 2017
  4. SEC

    repeat all of the above. the male of the species can be frustrating at times

    April 06, 2017
    1. noahbody

      LOL! As is the female….

      April 07, 2017
      1. SEC

        nah nevah, why what evah do you mean honey-chile

        April 07, 2017
        1. formerlyme

          April 07, 2017
    2. GoldenPig2012

      Sec, “frustrating”? Infuriating, maddening, blind…………….stupid………………sumbitch! Ugh. eye roll

      April 07, 2017
      1. SEC

        all of the above but in spite of that we love them

        April 07, 2017
        1. GoldenPig2012

          Too much work, love. It’s wearing my ass out.

          April 07, 2017
          1. SEC

            and I’m sure he thinks it is a cute ass anyway

            April 07, 2017
            1. GoldenPig2012

              Goofball!

              April 07, 2017
          2. SEC

            among other things that is a badge I wear with pleasure

            April 07, 2017
            1. GoldenPig2012

              eye roll

              April 07, 2017
            2. SEC

              April 07, 2017
  5. belladora

    Let’s get this straight lady, YOU are NOT a bully, You are harder on yourself than any one else I have ever read. Be gentle with you. Have faith.

    April 07, 2017
    1. GoldenPig2012

      I’d love to believe you, but……………..I know me. I have heard from many in my life, the ones I love how………………aggressive I can be, embarrassingly aggressive. A bully. A nag. A bitch. But, you can bet your ass most of them say it and then they smile, they, chuckle, eventually, accept that the results of that can and do benefit those I love and protect. I am UGLY, HATEFUL……….I don’t care, have no shame, whatever label you want to put to it when it comes to…………………well, forcing people to do what I think is best. That’s a bully.

      April 07, 2017