I'm Lost

The last 24 hours has been.........................so hard.  So.  Hard.  I don't know if I should shit or go crazy.  Sigh.

My second ex-husband, the biggest mistake in my life, is having a fit for his child support.  I'm $900.00 behind and now I will go to jail if I don't pay it in the next 10 days.  This, THIS from the man who was my meth dealer, the man who broke fourteen bones in my body, the man who has spent more time on probation than I have pregnant after five children, the man who threw his own mother across the room, who has lived with her all his life (he is 49), the man who has never kept a job more than 8 months. 

My beloved is livid.  He has nowhere to vent his anger but at me.  I sit still.  I look at him. I don't say a word because everything unfair in life, at this moment, is my fault.  EVERYTHING bad is my fault.  So, I sit still.  I don't argue.  I don't defend myself, there is no defense for who I am.  I do not display pain or anger or hurt, those don't belong to me, only to them.  That's OK.  It is.  It's how life works.  I just need to stay still and believe that I am not the worst person in the world.  Believe there's more than just this moment.  I can do that.  small smile

 

 

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (20)

  1. dincali

    Aww E

    May 23, 2017
  2. Neighsayer

    fuck, GP. So sorry. I don’t get how some judge decides locking you up is the some as getting your money. Motherfucker own the jail too?

    May 24, 2017
    1. Neighsayer

      same

      May 24, 2017
  3. Bettymom

    Well, Hooooly Coooooos! What a mell of a hess, as my mother used to say. What are you going to do? If you give him a little bit of money, will that hold him off for a while?

    May 24, 2017
  4. Munkyman

    Sadly that sounds exactly like the type of person who would then hound you over $900. The scary thing is that they have custody & aren’t in a prison work camp. The miracles of a good lawyer.

    May 24, 2017
    1. Munkyman

      You are far from the worst person in the world. You have obviously made some mistakes that have yet to let go, that’s not the same as being a bad person.

      May 24, 2017
    2. GoldenPig2012

      Yeah, he gets a free lawyer since he’s the custodial parent. The one who STILL lives with his mother and sleeps in the same bed as his 14-year old son.

      May 24, 2017
      1. Munkyman

        sick.

        May 24, 2017
        1. GoldenPig2012

          Well, it’s all in the best interest of the child. Trust the authorities, trust a state……….it will all be OK.

          May 25, 2017
          1. Munkyman

            Reagan said something about that that was probably one of the truest things he ever uttered,
            “I think you all know that I’ve always felt the nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ’I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.’”

            May 25, 2017
            1. GoldenPig2012

              Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha…………….hell, yes……………that’s just……………………….a moronic statement.

              May 25, 2017
  5. GoldenPig2012

    So, I’m gonna confess. For the last year, since my beloved asked me to quit my job, I’ve been stealing money from his wallet. A couple of dollars here, a five there. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve done it, deposited it in my bank account and have amassed the stunning sum of $200.00 in 12 months. I wrote a check to child support for that amount yesterday. After his fit, the next morning, he agreed to give me $200.00 for child support. So……….yeah! $400.00 should keep me out of jail. I am a horrible person, I know. Stealing is wrong. I know.

    I HAVE been applying to jobs. Jobs that let me work the hours my beloved can live with, of course. No takers yet. I’m willing to work, I have no problem with making money. I’m almost 48, I can no longer, physically, do the jobs I’ve always done. I have a high school education and experience that doesn’t apply anymore. Sigh.

    So………….I AM a horrible person. I stole $200.00 over the last year. I do, in my heart and brain, wish my ex would drop dead.

    May 24, 2017
    1. Munkyman

      He asked you to quit, that’s an assumption of responsibility… he did that himself, you bear no guilt for it.

      May 25, 2017
      1. GoldenPig2012

        Well, he doesn’t understand that. He resents it when I bring it up and I DO because it was working. He was mad I didn’t get home until 7 or 8 am. He doesn’t even go to work, most of the time until 1pm, it was inconvenient at the time. Sigh. So, it’s mine.

        May 25, 2017
        1. Munkyman

          You can hold it if you want, but an objective outside opinion is that if he asked you to quit then he assumed responsibility for anything you were obliged to pay. Right then & right there.

          May 25, 2017
          1. GoldenPig2012

            I need to think about and consider that. It is not my “normal” thinking. If that is true, that puts a whole new spin on it for me.

            May 25, 2017
          2. Munkyman

            I know the instinct is to take the blame, but this time you were holding down & he asked for a change that transferred responsibility to him. He was aware you paid support wasn’t he?

            May 25, 2017
            1. GoldenPig2012

              Yes, chuckle, he was quite aware. I also bought new tires for our vehicles and paid insurance, etc. The fact is, he makes the MOST money, therefor, he gets to say what I do.

              May 25, 2017
            2. Munkyman

              Not if what he says risks you going to jail for non payment. Being the bread winner should come with some perks, but telling someone they can’t work comes with all their fiduciary (great $5 word) responsibilities.

              May 25, 2017
  6. GoldenPig2012

    Munkyman, yes. The entire situation is mine and of my making. All things aside, this is mine.

    May 25, 2017