The last 24 hours has been.........................so hard. So. Hard. I don't know if I should shit or go crazy. Sigh.
My second ex-husband, the biggest mistake in my life, is having a fit for his child support. I'm $900.00 behind and now I will go to jail if I don't pay it in the next 10 days. This, THIS from the man who was my meth dealer, the man who broke fourteen bones in my body, the man who has spent more time on probation than I have pregnant after five children, the man who threw his own mother across the room, who has lived with her all his life (he is 49), the man who has never kept a job more than 8 months.
My beloved is livid. He has nowhere to vent his anger but at me. I sit still. I look at him. I don't say a word because everything unfair in life, at this moment, is my fault. EVERYTHING bad is my fault. So, I sit still. I don't argue. I don't defend myself, there is no defense for who I am. I do not display pain or anger or hurt, those don't belong to me, only to them. That's OK. It is. It's how life works. I just need to stay still and believe that I am not the worst person in the world. Believe there's more than just this moment. I can do that. small smile