I can and will, eyes closed, grin..................do this, too. My mate and I will be leaving soon for his annual family reunion many states away frome where we live. OK. Plans need to be made, decisions must be reached for 20 days away from home with a four-year old, a Chihuahua and ourselves.
We are not young sweethearts. We met seven years ago, we have a four-year old. I would prefer to be married, it would be my third. He is frightened of it, it would be his third. I don't press the matter, he, ha ha ha ha ha, doesn't either. ha ha ha ha Duh. :P)
Then, this morning, after over a week of making a plan, he got mad I stuck with the one we made yesterday and told him I didn't need to re-think it. He does, chuckle, oh, he does, all the time. He'll take three weeks to plan a weekend trip, it's what he does. OK. But, when I did not agree with his re-think on the subject, he said, eyes closed, deep breath, "I NEVER had a problem from ANY woman I've been with except YOU. YOU will do anything to make life harder."
Blink. Deep breath. Blink. Rolling my head to release tension in my neck. Deep breath. I closed my eyes and opened them and looked at him, hoping the pain didn't show, hoping the tears wouldn't fall, hoping my voice wouldn't shake.
I said, knowing I was tempting fate, "You're first wife of 18 months was convicted of killing ya'll's third child at birth. Your second wife of one year was convicted of endangering your child while on drugs. It's true, they did not fight with you, they did not challenge your authority, they, obviously, loved you more than I ever will. Yep, I said that. I might JUST be the most horrible woman in the world, but...............I'm also the only woman he's ever had a relationship with that lasted more than three years (we're halfway through our 8th year), the woman who is not younger and blonde and worshipping his dumb ass. I'm 18 months younger, we grew up in the same way, his other wives were years younger than he.
He's right, I'm not anything like his wives. In fact, I'm not his wife. He compared me to them. OK. I'm worse than them. Alright. Once again..............I'm the worst person in the world. I know that. Ppphhtt. But, he hurt my feelings, so..................ummmmmm, uh, I, crap, eye roll, said, "You are right. I argue just because I WANT to waste more time in my life, just irritate you so you'll crawl up my ass and stay there bitching because it's so fucking fun. I'm only here to to fuck up your life and I LOVE doing that, ASSHOLE." I slammed the door behind me so he'd know I meant what I said. Nevermind my heart was breaking, my feelings all told me to cry because I'm "less than" everyone, nevermind I wanted SCREAM logical arguments and invectives and hate. I didn't. I sucked it up, I'm a good Buttercup. :)
I KNOW how I don't measure up to another, I've known that for decades. I KNOW. It's hard for me, when what I KNOW is thrown in my face to NOT strike.